Up-close and Personal

Assalamualaikum

Assalamualaikum

The more time I spend in wonderland in the company of Little Wonders, the more I realized that this is REAL. My wonderland is. And as much as dreamland is beautiful, I cannot make it part of wonderland if it's not real.

Mekdi commented on how unpredictable I am these days. Yeah, I know there are the sudden craving for high heels and make-ups. Not to mention the desperation for Escada Rockin Rio. I asked her was I that predictable before and she said 'sort of'. I know now I was. I was always on the safe side of everything, valuing stability over risk - except when I'm playing at my strength, and I was always logical. I weighed the pros and cons and always sensible in picking my choice over things.

But this year, things had gone totally different. It started with some months of unemployment, filled with uncertainties of what to do and where my future is. But I have to admit. Wonderland is real. And I'm thankful for that.

Assalamualaikum

Assalamualaikum

- Over at the company and is having 25 minutes break.

- Am having stomachache.

- My house is extra messy and Mekdi is arriving SOON. (you know how Mekdi is like a warden to me T.T)

- Am going to have fabulous dinner (and coffee afterwards hopefully!)

- Will try walking to company on high heels tomorrow. Haha :p

- Want some nice cotton pants and Escada Rockin Rio and My Little Phony and some cool jackets.

Assalamualaikum

Assalamualaikum

I'm feeling ugly. Like I don't belong in wonderland anymore where everything is prettily pretty.

There are grudge, hatred, loathing... all the ugly feelings, you name it.

And most worrisome of all is the self-destructive instinct.

Little Wonder Mardhiah Sabri, will you come home fast plox?

Assalamualaikum

Assalamualaikum

Tiba-tiba terbeli satin heels tersebut. Maaf. Haha. Sebenarnya memang dah lama mahu pink satin heels. Walaupun tak pernah bermimpi nak yang setinggi ni :p Dan tak berapa tahu bila baru boleh pakai, tapi tak apa. Mungkin satu hari nanti bila saya dah terer bertumit tinggi, saya boleh pakai. Atau mungkin akan ada function di mana saya akan pergi dinner di hotel lima bintang with plush carpet everywhere dan dijemput dihantar pulang dengan kereta. Kalau tak banyak jalan macam itu mungkin boleh handle. Anyway the pair is just gorgeous.

Wishlist : Escada Rockin Rio. Sapakah baik hati nak tolong belikan? Tolonglah. Mosh dalam nada bergelak ketawa telah mengingatkan saya bahawa saya masih perlu shopping seluar dan jaket/cardigan untuk bekerja. Maka tak mungkin boleh pegi membeli perkara lain sebelum dua perkara tersebut. Maka sekali lagi. Tolonglah. Escada Rockin Rio ye? :p

Perkara ketiga. Baik. Jual mahal ye. Tak apa. Tak apa. Kita tengok nanti. Tapi nantilah. Sekarang belum boleh tengok lagi. Sekarang kena pergi ke pasar tengok ikan.

Assalamualaikum

First day of break and I'm spending my time trying out the make-up I bought last night. When I first got the job, my sister told me I'll be having my first make-up set soon. So here I am, trying everything. And I have to say I'm getting good at eyelining. Must be from the time spent looking at Bibik applying hers. My little sister is waaayyy better than me in many things. I quite like the final look except my skin look extra dry.

Anyway, Mosh and I celebrated his belated birthday. Seafood for dinner and I bought him a polo shirt that he wanted before we went off shopping for my stuff. I bought quite a bunch of things and especially like the red platforms. The cream heels are pretty too but the red platforms rock. Mosh went all since-when-did-you-like-high-heels? and I pointed out that I wasn't used to like make-ups too but now I do. There is the whole corporate image thing, remember?

Yeah I better get back to my chores.

Assalamualaikum

Assalamualaikum

I remembered the day I flew back to Korea, I touched very little of my breakfast. The steward asked me if I would want nasi lemak instead. I said no. Playfully, he replied, "Berlagak eh." I returned the comment with a laugh. I got back to writing the yellow visitor's form. It felt awkward filling it in. In the past, I did not so much as glanced at it, considering registered residence doesn't have to fill visitor's form. But at that time, I was flying without my residential card.

At the space marked occupation, I hesitated. The E word wasn't really something I got used to using. So does writing my place of work. Actually, I'm still not used to say anything about working.

Remember when I said I went to camp. Well, I didn't actually went into the forest or up the mountain or even to remote area. And I didn't sleep in tent or with 11 other people in a dormitory filled with double-deckers. I shared my so-called 'dormitory' with another girl and it has the most fabulous beds. White spreadsheet and fluffy white duvet and even fluffier pillow. The maintenance cleaned our private bathroom, replace the towels and clear the trash on daily basis. At least I thought so. I never really knew. All I knew is that the bathroom was always clean, the towels were always fresh and the trash bin was cleared whenever we returned to our room. The cafeteria served the most delicious pastry bread (triple heart the butter!) and cream soup (mushroom or corn or vegetables). It has indoor golf facilities, running machines and sauna.

There was a grand piano at the lobby, super-comfy sphere-shaped couches, and real exotic plants in the lobby. It was far from a camp, admittedly. It was actually an in-house training center.

My team at camp consisted of 19 people including me and I'm the only engineer among the girls. So I came as strikingly different than them. Cultural background, appearance, personality and outspokenness wise. Does the word outspokenness even exist? I'm too lazy to check the dictionary now. Will check it later. After all, my roommate did tell me my Korean pronounciation is better than my English pronounciation. Haha.

I had my first paycheck and realized how many things I had to buy and wonder if I will be able to save any of it. Another training will start Monday next week, so I have 6 days in total to spend money. Haha kidding.

It's nearly six over here so I guess I'll stop babbling now. See you soon.

Assalamualaikum

I'm back at camp.

It's raining heavily outside.

I feel really light.

A part of me has left.

My heart.

I'll take it from here.

Assalamualaikum

Assalamualaikum

I know things has not been easy for you. It has been a week since you arrived at wonderland. And nothing is the same. Well, at least, not you. I'm sorry I had to drag you to senses. I can't afford to let you get lost in a dream. Least of all, that dream.

I know you are hurt. I know you feel like kicking me. I know you are mad at me beyond anything.

But I also know that you know I did it for your own good. And you did say you agree. Even if it was maybe less than half-heartedly.

Please know that I love you and no matter how hard things will turn out to, I will always be there for you.

I hope you enjoy wonderland from this brand new perspective =)

Assalamualaikum

Assalamualaikum

As posted on FB, I am still alive in case you are wondering.

Camp is GREAT.

Assalamualaikum

Assalamualaikum

Assalamualaikum

I'm back in wonderland and every bit panicked. Because I am supposed to be at Anguk 7.30 a.m tomorrow. And I just realized the dress-code is every bit strict. Duh.

Ok, I admit as I was waiting for boarding I kept staring at the gate, feeling like running out. Lucky me, there was Dira and she kept giving words of encouragement. I must have looked like a kiddie coz everybody paid extra attention to me. The steward even ask me if I would like the nasi lemak when he saw me touching very little of my omelette. And lucky me again, the seat next to me is empty so I can have a nice cozy bed to sleep on. I was thinking I need to get to wonderland ASAP else I would feel like regretting everything.

Wonderland was warm when I landed. I didn't expect midsummer to be of this weather. I was never in wonderland around August. I was sleepy the whole day. But I went straight to Immigration Office from the airport. Lunch was KFC. And shopped a bit for camp at which I felt like going for a school trip. Mosh and I went to watch Inception where I fell asleep in the middle of the movie despite the explosion and gunshot. Apparently, the story is boring second way around and I was extremely tired. Emotionally.

I just cooked Maggi and judging on the gloomy lights streaming from the window, it looks like it's going to rain soon.

Assalamualaikum

Things happen for a reason. And I believe that my life is fair. I don't get all I wish for, but I am given wonderland. The place to live my dream and heal my pain.

"It's all about the destination. The journey is immaterial," - Kate Hemmingway in You're the One that I Don't Want.

How many times a day do we think it doesn't matter how it ended, as long as we go on the journey? In my life, there are several times when I think the journey itself doesn't matter at all. Remember when I needed an A+ badly in Fluid Mechanics? And I really think I did well in the exam only to find out later that my marks is only around average, which means a B or B+. Yet when the results came out I still got an A+. And what about the A+ in CAD when I didn't even submit my mid-term paper? And the visa I ended up getting after some struggles and countless tears. Sometimes we get things the easy way. And sometimes we have to go to every extent that we can. But in the end, I believe, Allah gives us what we deserve and what is good for us. And at this very moment I am endlessly grateful I was given wonderland, despite my doubt earlier of whether or not to go. I was given the chance with a reason. And I know now what the reason is.

My flight is in less than eight hours. I hope I have a safe journey and the summer sunshine of wonderland will greet me at the other side of the six-hours flight.

Assalamualaikum

I FINALLY wrote the official letter. Well, anything official is so not me. Anyway, I haven't packed. Can you believe it? It's less than an hour before my flight and I haven't chuck anything into the suitcase. Um, yeah I kind of happy to finally go home, but I can't help thinking what's waiting for me on the other side of the six-hours flight.

I finally found my senses and I came to realize that my senses must be the most cruel part of me. It kept throwing cold, harsh reality into my face just so I would come back from dreamland. In sorting between sensible and insensible things to do, it completely disregards my feelings over the matter and gave me only the blacks and whites of thing. It left me wondering was I always this heartless when running a logical judgment. I guess this is the thing about science. It sometimes makes you put the facts before the feelings.

I went to my ex-classmates' wedding yesterday. Um yeah plural. Both the bride and groom were my ex-classmates. Met lots of people from school. I have to say I did have an awesome circle of friends back in high school. And their awesomeness tripled over the years we did not meet. I can't help getting all giggled over their jokes. When I looked back to the times we spent at high school, I never expected we were going to have such mature conversation as an adult.

I'm going to be locked up at camp for three weeks starting the coming Thursday and I don't know if they'll allow fb or blogspot over there. But I'll keep myself connected as much as I can. And this is my promise to self : I won't be coming back until I am perfectly trained to groom myself immaculately, able to drive and able to wear contact lenses.

And mom asked me to come back on December for Farid's wedding. That left us with not much time right :p