Up-close and Personal

Assalamualaikum

Just got up. Though morning call dah bunyi since pukul 8 tadi. Saya mimpi we are nearing graduation. But strangely, we didn't graduate together. Budak electronics graduate dulu before us. And I got bouquets of flowers. But they weren't as big as the ones Zatul and Dira got. Pffftt~ I remember eyeing their flower jealously. Haha :p And oh yeah, both the bouquets were given by anonymous person(s). I didn't even know whether the senders of both flowers were the same person or not. He/She asked someone else to give it to me. Without cards or anything. I can't really remember the 1st bouquet. It was a bit pale and dull. But the 2nd one was beautiful. A few shocking pink roses with deep red wrappings and green leaves as decoration. 6 or 7 of them, I guess. And it smelled really sweet. Unlike those at shops. Oh well, you know that roses at shops don't really smell as nice as people said roses are. And anyway, I had never seen a shocking pink rose before... It was beautiful really. But still, I hope I got a big one like Zatul and Dira got. Apekah??:D And oh yeah, that day wasn't my graduation day. It was the electronics students'. So I did wonder why did people send me flowers that day. Well, anyway, that was the last dream I remember before I woke up.

Today as the song If Only Tears Could Bring You Back To Me played, I actually cried. Haha~ Bukan kerana lagu itu. Uhm... ok. I did promise to be a bit open in this blog, didn't I? Well, I'm not really the kind of person who holds grudge against people. I used to think I was, when I was younger. Those years when I thought playing the troubled teenagers would make me look cool. Duh~ But no. Right now I know I'm definitely not that kind of person. And as much as I hate having to stay mad at one people, I hate having people mad at me too. Saya benci bile ade orang benci saya. I understand that when 2 people fights, both sides would think that they are the right ones. But I am ready to say sorry. In fact I've said it tons of times. I admit that closed friends been saying it's not my fault. That I don't lose anything not being friends with that person. But somehow I just can't rest assure. For I'd never have people staying mad at me for so long. Therefore I cried. For I wonder am I that bad a person? Am I that bad a friend? That when I did one mistake, my so-called-friends can't even forgive me? Am I expected to be a miss-perfect-with-no-mistakes that when I did one wrong decision which was based on my unstable emotions at that moment makes me unworthy to befriend? And this isn't the first time I cried over this. This fight has been stretched since forever. And still, I am not forgiven. It makes one portion of me hates myself.

Dah la.. saya nak pergi mandi *while crying in the shower, of course*

To you, if you read this, I still am waiting for you to forgive me.

Till then.